Advice to friends and family on how to talk about prematurity or provide support

By Mark Axmacher

Learning that your baby is coming early could be the most difficult news you ever hear. Immediately you think of the worst case scenario: that this child you love with all your heart, yet haven’t met, may not survive to fulfill all the hopes and dreams you already have for them.

This was our case in December, 2013. Our son was coming at 28 weeks and we knew nothing of the journey ahead of us. I can only imagine what his grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends thought when they heard the news. I left somber and vague voicemails for family and friends to “call me back”, and when they did, they knew something was wrong. My delivery was the same to everyone: “everybody is fine, but the baby came early”. After a few minutes of silence, their responses were the same: “Thank God. What can we do to help”?

In the beginning, friends and family supported us like they would after any other accident or unexpected, life changing situation. People brought food, came to the hospital, took the dog for a walk, helped clean the house etc. The “normal” support was incredibly helpful and got us through those first few weeks while we forgot Christmas and New Year’s festivities to tend to our child fighting for his life.  Once the initial shock was over, we learned our new routine of calling for his weight and reports from rounds the moment we woke up. Confirming his nurse for the day and coordinating schedules. Planning around work, Mom’s doctor appointments, and what milestone we were fighting towards that day.

At this point, friends and family may not be sure how to continue being supportive, especially if it’s a long stay in the NICU. The best form of support is to listen, and know that your response doesn’t really matter, just that you’re there to listen. We now vent and cry about tests, statistics, signs and medical terms we didn’t know existed a few weeks ago. We don’t expect you to have educated answers or feedback to our rants, unless you’ve been there before. So we’re not looking for wisdom, just your attention.

It’s also great when friends and family come to visit the NICU. Introducing your new, punctual, child might be hard, but do it. Let your friends and family see your baby because it will help build your confidence and let your baby know he/she is loved and has lots of support.

We are confident that all of the support we had helped make our son the happy, thriving boy he is today. It doesn’t take much to support parents of a premature baby. You just need to be there, listen and let your early friend know there are people who care, and that you all believe in them.